I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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