I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
