Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
