Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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