my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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