I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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