I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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