these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
