Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
