his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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