I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
