Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
