Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
