How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
