spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Drunk is not a location!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
