this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
