I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
