They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i dont even know how to be here
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
