i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
