I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
