her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
