Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
