The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
