i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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