**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
