Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
