Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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