His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
