the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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