I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
