your parents love me but you hate me
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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