Cold hands, warm shart.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
