god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
