Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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