The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
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We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
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The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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