I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i out mim tonsoeep
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