I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
