I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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