I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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