babies were throwing up all over the place
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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