Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
