How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
