she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
40s are totally the cure
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
