Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
