I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
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I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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