I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
