It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You made out with two different species that night
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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