6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
