Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
