Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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