i think my mom watched the whole time
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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