I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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