i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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