Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
