I can text with my tongue
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My bed smells like the plague
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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