ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
