Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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