I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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