Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I need a burrito and a hug.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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